I of course chopped it up to nerves. Fernanda came up with the brilliant idea to find an actual mannequin and dress him up like Captain Rex to look like he is playing next to the tree. Im too sick to laugh. I miss you. She told me that she knows that this is a gift from you. We didnt ask for much, Mr. President. Gay. I guess I wrote a lot about having another baby when you were still here. Im not doing this to be hurtful or mean. Thats all for now little man. They thought it was pretty cool. I no longer love the luxury of not having things to do. Only one other living thing survived and that was the poppy, flowering each year with the coming of the warm weather. But I just promised him I would try instead. Ron Starr. They are so not cool with it. Certainly not this nowhere that is here now. I find myself obsessing about you and why you are not here. Ro baby. It was Dr. Schwartz telling me that she just got the flu shot in and she was highly recommending that I get one. That is important to our family. I never thought I would have a girl, but have always felt like I was meant to have one. Ummmm ouch!!! We shall see, right Ro baby. We very much needed a pow wow session. With you watching over her, with a daddy like yours, and your big brothers, too. Buildings, roads, trees and natural life is simply disappeared. I sent your Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. They seem to be growing by the day and that makes me so proud. This means a ton of busy foundation work, a ton of taking care of your brothers, the way they deserve to be taken care of, a ton of busy things that keep me running throughout the day. A heavy wave of sadness washed over me. I wont ever love the month of May again. I called her a maverick and an outside of the box thinker.. Because at the end of the day, its not complicated at all. I might have to end this now. Sunday I think. Dr. Mosse from Chop. Its because of Poppy. I only wish it were your body wearing it. It almost seems to make them uncomfortable. Mandy Bee offered to come and sit with them while I went back for my appointment. I started to cry. Sometimes I feel like Im grasping at thin air, sometimes I get tired and so very sad, but I have never in my life wanted to give up or quit. Mr. Sparkly Eyes - ROCKSTAR RONAN Tag: Mr. Sparkly Eyes Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereaved parents. I will do my best to get through the day. I told them what I have been thinking. Thats how its been this past week. I hope you are safe. She makes me be still and quiet in a way that is not forced. I left the restaurant with Liam. I love the way we gather around our kitchen table, somebody always brings food, and we get down to business. I hope you are safe. I am trying to relish in all the beauty of this but it is secretly making me hostile. What is your daughters name? She just looked at me and said, Ireland. I smiled and said, Its beautiful. That has been our girl name, for about 10 years. I am not perfect. I do know this. It is just all so wrong. Where once there were homesand farms there was now a sea of mud, a grave for the dead where the men still live and fought. I ended up waking up, and having a mini freak out session/panic attack which caused me to slam two Ambien and send some insane text messages to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I didnt want everyone in that room to see the data that was being presented in front of their faces in a scientific form. She sent me a picture of it today. Your brothers are playing a slew of sports 24/7. I told your Mr. Sparkly Eyes how I thought that you and your sister had planned that I went into labor on the 8th, so that when the 9th came around, I wouldnt be so sad because I would be holding your baby sistersafe and soundin my arms. I have to have some things I keep to myself. I went to the Pearl Jam concert a few nights ago with your daddy, Uncle Jay, and Char. I will not ever forget the way you were treated like a lab rat by supposedly one of the best doctors in the world. He deserved better. We left our friends and headed off to our new destination. A lot of you little blog readers have asked why I am calling this baby Poppy for now. You dont have anything to prove to me, o.k. Not one second. I love you. Tears all over. I will never understand this. Watch out childhood cancer! You were just so happy being home with all of us. It was the first time that the 9th wasnt completely gut wrenchingfor me. I am heartbroken at the way our cancer kids are just brushed aside as if they are a dirty little secret. I dont like when I have to stay cooped up all day, not running around doing 50 million things. Youd think with all the shit I do, that walking into a hospital to get your costume would be easy, right? Peach Pie, Apple Pie, Cherry Pie yes please. I know you know how much we all need her. Neuroblastoma was only touched on a few times but I found that when it was being talked about in charts, graphs, statistics. Alright little man. You know that speaks volumes in my book. I feel like childhood cancer is being talked about, everywhere, but I realise that may only be because its the world solelylive in now. We sat outside of her office and I told her some things that I dont share with just anyone. SO much that I somedays think this still cannot possibly be real. I cant wait for the day that I can see you again. The only ones I feel comfortable taking. It will never fill the empty space in my heart that feels like a gaping hole. I'm hard on myself and fuck, I just plain miss this. I am overwhelmed. Mascara and snot everywhere. But he was stolen from me by childhood cancer. P.S. THANK YOU. So typical. Even if we name her something else, she will be called Poppy as a nickname. That phone call that left me with my head going to the worst possible places and telling myself I wouldnt survive this big of a loss, once again. This is the end of your story for tonight, baby doll . I am allowing myself to have about an hour a day in bed, not the entire freaking day. I just want you back. I know what I am coming home to. I let the tears come, too. Go figure. You know that better than anyone. I left the hospital, waiting to hear the news that was the only news there could be. The problem Im facing is I may have too much material, and too much to say. (still sick and maybe a little depressed) He put his keys on our dresser, just like he always does, right in front of your urn. Even when you have a dead kid, life just goes on. Because youve pushed everyone away. He made me promise that I would rest and put my feet up. When do you leave for New York? Please, Ronan. My shot hurt for you. So we would be doing all different things. My heart will forever be broken in a way that is just not repairable. Your daddy knows Ive been having the worst time sleeping. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. I honestly do. It seems to completely throw them all off. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. I know its important to them Ronan and I am so thankful for all the hard work thats going into this disease, but its not enough. I spent the day with a friend of mine. The going to New York thing all alone. Thank you, Amy for hooking this up. I went to see Dr. JoRo. Its the Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes. A lot of you, ask that in my comments. 2o minutes after taking that evil little pill and I was out cold. She told me about the study that just came out linking pregnant women and the flu, to autism. Trust me. With a lot of different things. What a day. A baby girl and now this?! I love that. Darling. Through her tears she told me she was sorry, but how proud she was of all the things we are doing. It took my breath away. I then went on Google to do some research on if cats and raccoons are friends. Tears of both happiness and sadness. on Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereavedparents. It is so a sport you would have kicked ass at. Thanks as always for your love and support. This is what I am here to do, Ronan. This extreme fatigue and nausea, are mentally beating me down. But now we have an office! You have plenty of people who would love to take care of you. You know how important it is to me, not to spend the money that people are donating on administration stuff. You were supposed to be with me, for the rest of MY life. He had read my last blog post about how barbaric the cancer world is. Nothing in the world will ever taste as good, smell as good, or feel as good as it did when you were here with me. I promise I wont give up until our RoLove, changes the world. I dont know if things will ever be alright, Ronan. I should know more, soon. I think the phone call went really, really, well. I love you. I sat there numbly and didnt say much. Fucking cancer. I couldn't take it anymore. I talked to Macy about my trip out to San Francisco for Teddys celebration of life. You know in my obsessive exercising eating nothing world before I was pregnant, I would have never touched a pie. Its about helping other people as much as I can and in anyway that I can in this totally fucked up world where I cannot even see Christmas lights properly because they are always so blurry from my falling tears. How About No Expectations Because Nobody Knows.. Not crying. The stars magically aligned for the worst reasons possible so your Fairy RoMo has been in AZ for a little over a week now. I know he will keep her safe. It wouldnt have been this way, if you were still here. Its one of the things are you driving me to do in this life. Starting from before you diagnoses to the months after. Please keep watching over Ben with the Bald Head for me. I cannot imagine what that must feel like for you. THANK YOU. What is today? Charisma. I understand. I feel like its taken a long time for the 4 of us to find our rhythm again here, without you. Now if I can only get those brothers of yours on Team Poppy. There Are 2 Things in Life I Will Never Say No To. Ronan. I soak them up whenever I can, as much as I can. A few hours later, I got the news. I miss him when we are away so much. The bloody hell worst day of my life. Im sure my feeling this way is due to a combination of things. Im a mom. My board members told me I was a genius tonight. I found myself, on my phone, looking at pictures of you. To bond. Who am I kidding. Not right now, but someday you wont be this sad., Me: Im so sad all the time. Stacy. We went to dinner in this big city last night. Yelling, Quinny! She never slows down in my tummy and it always seems like she is having a party in there. I told him about the story that somebody told me about the Poppy flower. I remember the way you looked at me through the dinner and waved and laughed. Of course I am happy to see them but its you I want to see the most and you are never there, waiting for me with the 3 of them like you should be. Thanks for writing them. I buried my head in her shoulder trying to control myself. This is also just me, grabbing on to anything and everything I can, to still get to be your mama and parent you, Ronan. I said I knew. Having her here is going to be an overwhelming mix of everything and I know, we are each going to need some time with her, just the 4 of us. I came home and fell into a deep sleep. Ronan. This was not something I was going to tell him over the phone. You left him here to watch over me, for you. I know myself well enough to know when I am not capable of handling things on my own. It wont be the real name for the baby. Her little face is all filled out. I think my eyes do too. I miss you. It felt good just to be out with my friend. I got up to do a few things yesterday. I was laying in bed. Thats what landed me in bed and somehow sucked me into the land of reality television which is so far from reality that it makes me want to barf. Your sweet little face. 4 boys but there should have been 6. I had all I could take. I tell her stories about you, I tell her how much you love her and are watching over her, I tell her how lucky she is to have you as a big brother and Liam and Quinn as well. Secret Plan! I opened a letter from someone saying how they had heard your story, wanted to help, but they only had 1 dollar. At least my anger seems to be under control. I usually fall back asleep around 5 a.m. Of course I said, HECK YES! Because I dont like to say no to anything anymore especially if it can help with more awareness. I got to see her on an 3-D ultra sound on Tuesday. I find myself sitting and trying to process all of this on a deeper level but I mostly just sit in disbelief that this world hasto bewithout you. THANK YOU. I could tell your Nana was a bit sad about this but I just said, Mom, I dont know how or what I am going to be feeling and I just want to be able to be, without having the pressure of having to fake like I am feeling one way, if I am not. She just gave me a squeeze and told me, Of course, honey.